


No true loss

by scarletchidori



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Angst, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, mentions of raine loire, mentions of raine's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:15:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22039171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletchidori/pseuds/scarletchidori
Summary: While I was helping other people to recover, Raine suffered because she thought she had lost me, and she died thinking that I was gone forever. I was far away and the family I wanted so much had broken immediately after being born.
Relationships: Squall Leonhart & Laguna Loire
Kudos: 15





	No true loss

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old one shot that I wrote in 2017. I had to translate and adding a couple of things, as well as deleting useless details that I added at the time - because I felt they were needed, turns out... the weren't needed and I could get rid of them without any problem. That being said I hope you will like it!!!

_ “As long as there is love and memory, _

_ There is no true loss” _

_ (Cassandra Clare) _

  
  


_ * _

  
  
  
  


“Tell me something about Raine.”

A simple and totally legitimate request. It is normal for him to want to know something about his mother. But his request makes me want to cry because I can’t help but think how things ended. Despite the fact that years have passed, the wound has never completely healed.

Thinking about Raine’s death hurts like the first time. Sometimes it seems centuries have passed since her death, sometimes instead it is as if it had just happened and her death hurts like the first time I knew her fate.

I look at Squall, my son, looking at me with curiosity in his eyes. What could I tell him? That I left his mother when she needed me the most? Or that I had been unaware of his existence for a long time? How could I say these things to Squall? My son. No, I can’t do it. I have to protect him, even if he doesn’t need my protection.

While I was helping other people to recover, Raine suffered because she thought she had lost me, and she died thinking that I was gone forever. I was far away and the family I wanted so much had broken immediately after being born.

“You don’t need to think about it too much,” he says, “Anything is fine, really. I just want to know something about her.”

We are in Winhill and I have the impression that Raine may suddenly appear, scolding me for leaving her alone for so long. Nothing has changed in this village, time is still here.

“You look a lot like her, you know?”, I say with a sad smile “My friends and I had been sent on a mission but because of me we ended up in the wrong place and things… had gone wrong”

“Were you injured?”

“Yes. I had lost sight of my friends, in the end they only found me. The took me to Raine and she helped me. It was the sense of duty that made them act, despite everything they would never denied help to a person who needed treatment.”

  
  


_ “Is he alright?”, someone asks. _

_   
_ _ “Yes. His injuries are not very serious, apart from one that seems to me to be a deeper wound. But he will be alright.” _

_ “Julia”, I whisper opening my eyes and a confused mind because of the fever. _

_ “I’m Raine”, she says “Don’t worry, I will take care of you.” _

_ “The sooner he heals and the sooner he leaves”, a person whispers as if he already hated me. _

“People here don’t seem to like you,'' he says.

“They always thought I was a curse to her, and they never accepted our marriage”, I explain to him “In fact, I’ve never been much loved here and I guess things got worse after her death”.

  
The pain of her loss never went away. Some days are better and others are worse, slowly you get used to the loss but that void is never filled again. It will always be there in your heart and soul, but some days hurts less.

I look at the ring I wear on my finger and smile as I think about my marriage proposal. It hadn’t been anything too romantic, surely she deserved more, but it is one of the most precious memories I have and one day I will tell everything to my son.

  
“Where are you taking me?”, he asks.

“To mom”

I hear him whispering the word ‘mom’ in an almost doubtful tone of voice, as if he didn’t feel entitled to call her that. The war had been devastating, but the ones who had suffered more had been the children. They had found themselves in the midst of a situation greater than themselves and that had taken everything away from them. They have lost so much, and they are so young, nobody should have much suffering behind them.

We walk slowly, after all we are in no hurry. We remain silent, each immersed in his own thoughts. I wish I could tell him more, but right now the pain is so intense that it is as if I haven’t really deal with it. I have allowed mourning to cover me like a shroud and now that shroud has been removed and the suffering is more intense. Maybe is because he’s here? Or maybe I’m finally starting to face the pain and maybe even overcome it.

  
When we get to the tombstone Squall shifts closer to me, as if he were looking for support.

“She - - I mean…”   
  


“Yeah”

“There is no photo”, he replies.

  
“I know,” I tell him, “There is no photo, but I have one,'' I say showing it to my son.

He looks at the photo carefully, as if he wanted to imprint his mother’s face in his brain forever. Now that I think about it, this is the first time he’s seeing his mom.

“You can keep it.”

“And you?”

“I have my memories, nobody will be able to take them from me”; I say “You have nothing of her, keep this photo.”

He looks up he smiles at me. I feel my chest tighten because he has the same smile, sweet and gentle. I can see Raine in our son’s face. For the first time I understand that Raine lives on in our son, in me and in Ellone. And if I have to be honest, she also lives in the hearts of the other villagers too, because they haven’t forgotten about her.

“Thanks,” he says.

“This place has many memories, you know? This where I asked your mother to marry me.”

“She accepted immediately?”, he asks curiously.

“Yes”, I reply “She smiled at me, I think it was one of our last moments together. But I don’t regret having married your mother, because I loved her.”

We stare at the tombstone in silence. I find myself talking to her, asking her to forgive me for leaving her alone and to watch over our son and his friends. Everything remains immersed in silence, there is obviously no answer.

Everyone here thought I was going to be her curse, and maybe they weren’t wrong. If I had been next to her, maybe she would still be alive.

  
“I want to give you something,” I say.

“No, the photo is enough”.

I pull Raine’s ring out of my pocket. I take my son’s hand and give him the ring. I got into the habit of wearing it around my neck thanks to a chain that I bought years ago.

“You should keep it,” he says when he understands what it is.

“I want you to have something of your mother, keep it.”

Squall nods and accepts the ring. He reads the incision before putting the ring into his pocket.

  
“Loire”, he says “So I have my mother’s surname?”

He understands the reason behind that choice.

“They shouldn’t have done it,” he says, “They shouldn’t have, if my surname had been Loire maybe I would have found you sooner, maybe I would have understood that you were--”, he bows his head.

“Don’t worry”, I say “Not you know everything and you know that your mother loved you more than her own life, and I’m sure she would be proud of you”.

He smiles at me and once again I see her in him. I hold my son in my arms and everything seem to disappear, no more suffering… only love and pride for my son. I have seen how far Squall is willing to go for his friends, to save the people he loves, and that under the mask he had to wear since he was a child there is a person with a big heart and a great courage. Looking at him I think I can leave being the many mistakes I made in the past.

First my love for Julia and my love and my life with Raine, and finally our son. Everything we’ve experienced has brought us to this moment and a part of me feels ready to leave everything behind. I’m ready to forgive myself. Embarrassed Squall walks away from me, but he keeps smiling at me.

  
“Let’s go back, I have to tell you many other things about her”.

“Nice things?”

  
“Yes, of course,'' I confirm “You will discover that you and your mother are very similar.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying my best to not make mistakes (English is not my first language) but if you see some mistakes please let me know!


End file.
